Reality is setting in...

It has been some time since my last post. I've been taking the time to really adjust, to work out how I am feeling, before I rush into a blog post I may regret. Sure, this is a place to record feelings as they occur, but I am not one to project my negative shit onto the internet, so I wanted to approach this topic with a degree of diplomacy and hindsight.

The topic in question? Reality. What this Erasmus experience is really like.

During the application process for the Erasmus scheme you are bombarded with information and advice. The most commonly used phrase however is, 'it will be the best year of your life!'

Really? The best year of my life? Well, I can hardly say no to this opportunity, sign me up!

Well, after over a month of thinking this through I have come to one conclusion; this is certainly not the best year of my life. Well perhaps it is unfair to assume that, as I have only been here two months, but I know how I am feeling, and that is cheated. And lied to. 

'You will love it - there are so many things happening you won't know what to do with yourself!'

Really? Is that why I hide in my cozy home, with not much to do but miss my loved ones back home and feel miserable?

'There are so many wild parties! Erasmus parties are infamous!'

I haven't attended one yet. I'm not sure I want to. To put this in a non-offensive way, Erasmus parties don't appear to be my scene...

'You will never be friendless.'

Oh wait, this was not a lie! I have met many kind people here, and made wonderful friends. Well the organisers weren't completely dishonest!

The propaganda surrounding Erasmus is such that you think you will have just as wonderful a time as those before you.

But.

They do not mention their troubles.

They do not mention their sadness or loneliness.

They do not mention that Erasmus will only be like they say it will if you are a social animal, single, and happy to get wasted at every opportunity.

I am not any of the above. And whilst I pride myself on my commitment to my integrity and to my relationship, I resent that this experience is not flexible enough to accommodate me or people like me. I also feel that I got lured here under false pretenses, and now I must battle through many challenges for something that is - so far - falling short of my expectations.

And I'm gutted.

It seems that I don't meet the personal criteria to have a great time. I'm shy, I'm poorly suited to change, I like quiet evenings, and worst of all I am very prone to melancholy. I was aware of all of these things when I was making my decision, but I was led to believe that despite all this, I would be fine. And yes, I suppose I'm 'fine.'

But I'm not ecstatic.

Despite all of this, I am trying my very hardest. I get up, I go to uni, I meet with friends - I even joined a Pilates class! In my heart I know that this is not what I was expecting, but I also know that life is what you make of it. So here I am, trying to make the best of an unexpected situation (of not thoroughly loving Leipzig or my Erasmus experience to date.)

Sächsische Schweiz - there are wonderful things to be gained.

This here is a real test of endurance. And if I do not appear more bloody employable after the fact, I really don't know what I will do!

TL;DR? I'm here under false pretenses, but trying to make the best of it.

The next posts will be more sunny, I promise.

-Rae