A mental clear out!

I know that previous post was highly negative - believe me though, it could have been worse! I'm glad to say that it did the trick, and I feel a million times better for getting it off my chest. Now I can try to work out what I want to gain from this opportunity, seeing as I am here! I really can't justify not achieving something from this year - I would be so angry and disappointed in myself, and I know I would disappoint others along the way.

So, a list of things I want to gain:

* German skills.

Yes. I am struggling. The first few weeks here were terrifying, especially on the language course, which was taught in German (this is not the case in England, so what a bloody shock!) Imagine being taught the grammar of a language you don't understand, IN the language you don't understand... Now imagine me in hysterics (the not so good kind) whilst I try to work out what the plusquamperfekt is...

Thankfully, I have evolved from that shivering ball of nerves, (*cough*) and I am currently on another two German courses - grammar and phonetics. And - with the threat of a test looming next week - I have found a miraculous urge to apply myself to the cause of learning sentence structures...

I may have used this picture before. But lately I've been too busy studying  German to photograph it...

I'm still not doing so great with every day conversation, but it is so so so so so so sososososososososososo easy to speak in English with everyone here. And whilst I would not call myself lazy, I'm certainly not inclined to make my head hurt whilst asking a friend 'when are you free?' (I think it is something like: 'Wann hast du zeit?' And no. I did not use Google Translate for that ;D)

So yes, German skills! Kinda getting there! (Kinda.)

*Rediscover my creative self

Guys, I used to draw. I was never exactly skilled, but it gave me immense satisfaction and happiness to see the results of several hours work on a page. It made me feel good. In the last few years I haven't drawn a thing (thanks Degree!) and I've been feeling very cut off from myself. Crazy huh? And once I didn't make time to draw anymore, I lost the creative buzz to crochet, to go on a photo-shoot or to do anything I once absolutely needed to do. I know this doesn't sound dramatic, but it really is. (I promise.)

So I started an art journal last week. Sure, I've started art journals before, and they were not successful, but this one is different! Why? Because, because, because, because, becauseeeeeee (because of the wonderful things he does? Ok, Wizard of Oz moment has passed...)

First full page - sums up allllll the pre-Erasmus jitters IMHO

*coughs*

Because it's an Erasmus art journal, and it's one part memory recording, one part catharsis and two parts creative-y goodness. (Pretend like you didn't notice the Judy Garland personality switch...) I'll be starting my fourth page either later tonight or tomorrow. Feels good :)

*Meet great people and make good friendships

Like I was told before I came here, it is impossible to not meet people on your Erasmus year. And I have met great people; everyone is open and friendly, and really I am my own worst enemy when it comes to accepting invitations out or doing anything spur-of-the-moment. I hope to work on these stupid insecurities over the year - and I think I am already making progress! When my highly negative inner-monologue starts whispering in it's evil Mephisto voice, I tell it to shut the f*** up. And most of the time this works, so hooray for small victories over your own psyche!

Resting up after the first half of a hike in Sachsen Schweiz

So, do those three things seem like good goals? I think they are (:

Maybe next time I will write about the cool things I've seen and done in between the emotional yo-yo-ing ;)

-Rae

Reality is setting in...

It has been some time since my last post. I've been taking the time to really adjust, to work out how I am feeling, before I rush into a blog post I may regret. Sure, this is a place to record feelings as they occur, but I am not one to project my negative shit onto the internet, so I wanted to approach this topic with a degree of diplomacy and hindsight.

The topic in question? Reality. What this Erasmus experience is really like.

During the application process for the Erasmus scheme you are bombarded with information and advice. The most commonly used phrase however is, 'it will be the best year of your life!'

Really? The best year of my life? Well, I can hardly say no to this opportunity, sign me up!

Well, after over a month of thinking this through I have come to one conclusion; this is certainly not the best year of my life. Well perhaps it is unfair to assume that, as I have only been here two months, but I know how I am feeling, and that is cheated. And lied to. 

'You will love it - there are so many things happening you won't know what to do with yourself!'

Really? Is that why I hide in my cozy home, with not much to do but miss my loved ones back home and feel miserable?

'There are so many wild parties! Erasmus parties are infamous!'

I haven't attended one yet. I'm not sure I want to. To put this in a non-offensive way, Erasmus parties don't appear to be my scene...

'You will never be friendless.'

Oh wait, this was not a lie! I have met many kind people here, and made wonderful friends. Well the organisers weren't completely dishonest!

The propaganda surrounding Erasmus is such that you think you will have just as wonderful a time as those before you.

But.

They do not mention their troubles.

They do not mention their sadness or loneliness.

They do not mention that Erasmus will only be like they say it will if you are a social animal, single, and happy to get wasted at every opportunity.

I am not any of the above. And whilst I pride myself on my commitment to my integrity and to my relationship, I resent that this experience is not flexible enough to accommodate me or people like me. I also feel that I got lured here under false pretenses, and now I must battle through many challenges for something that is - so far - falling short of my expectations.

And I'm gutted.

It seems that I don't meet the personal criteria to have a great time. I'm shy, I'm poorly suited to change, I like quiet evenings, and worst of all I am very prone to melancholy. I was aware of all of these things when I was making my decision, but I was led to believe that despite all this, I would be fine. And yes, I suppose I'm 'fine.'

But I'm not ecstatic.

Despite all of this, I am trying my very hardest. I get up, I go to uni, I meet with friends - I even joined a Pilates class! In my heart I know that this is not what I was expecting, but I also know that life is what you make of it. So here I am, trying to make the best of an unexpected situation (of not thoroughly loving Leipzig or my Erasmus experience to date.)

Sächsische Schweiz - there are wonderful things to be gained.

This here is a real test of endurance. And if I do not appear more bloody employable after the fact, I really don't know what I will do!

TL;DR? I'm here under false pretenses, but trying to make the best of it.

The next posts will be more sunny, I promise.

-Rae