365 days after it all began...

So today marks the one year anniversary of me landing in Leipzig for the first time ever.

This fact is kind of blowing my mind. How has it been an entire year since the start of my Erasmus adventure? To think that I was sat in a hotel room in Birmingham, stressing the f--- out, then taking my first solo flights (ohhhh panic attacks mid-air - not fun!) then forgetting all my basic German in the quest for a sandwich/train ticket/taxi...It's been a year since all of that.

This will be my final post on this blog. I've been waiting for a while, processing, adjusting. The one year thing was mostly accidental; I turned around earlier today and realised it and that was that. I needed ceremonial closure on the whole saga.

I guess I would say that I'm feeling nostalgic already. But don't worry guys, I'm still cynically aware of how rough a time I had! I don't miss a lot of things about living in Leipzig (those trams...) but I do really miss the friends I made, and the specific mode of living I eventually fell in to. It took a ridiculously long time to settle, even by my standards, but when I finally did... it was nice. 'Nice', the demon word of descriptive essays, but just the adjective I need right now!

It's odd. I'm lost for words on this entire topic. I have so much in my heart, jumbled up, good and not-so-good, and it's all clamouring for attention. I don't think I'm ready to share it, if I'm being honest. Which is one giant anti-climax, I realise, and I'm sorry for that - but this year is tied up with so many things in such an intricate way that if I start prodding and pulling at one bit, other parts will come flying to the surface. And I don't really want that - it may be a mess, but at least I know where everything is!

So thanks for taking a look at my somewhat small Erasmus blog. I don't think I'm the blogging type, but I'm glad I managed to keep this going for a year. And if you decide to do something as mental as a year abroad - bloody good luck to you!

If you go on a year abroad...look in the right direction before crossing the road...

Tschüss!

- Rae

10 days. TEN days!

Guys! I leave Leipzig in ten days!!! (In case the title of this post did not alert you to this fact.)

This is an incredible revelation for me. Where did that 'oh-my-god-six-weeks-is-forever' feeling go? When did I suddenly become happy? How did I become happy? What changed?

I really don't have the answer to these things. It just 'is', and I just 'am'. And I think the key to riding this beast called Anxiety is  to go with it and try not to question it too much:

Cant't leave the house today? 

Ok, instead of thinking what is wrong with me?! set to trying to be productive where I can.

Oh look, here comes a wave of hopeless despair! 

Ride it 'til it breaks. 

When Anxiety hits, get productive. Easier said than done, of course!

You get the idea...

So, here I am, writing a blog post instead of my essay which must be submitted this afternoon. It's a monster. Not that it is difficult, but my brain has had enough. I want to knit. I want to draw and go on coffee dates with Scott and see my friends without the burden of goodbye and, and and...

But no. Richard III is hovering over me like a bad smell, as is the revision for my other two exams. There is no justice in this world. 

Next week my (awesome) housemate and I will take a day trip to Berlin to meet with a friend of hers and catch a photography exhibition on a part of the Berlin Wall. I'm excited to finally go to Berlin. Yep. I have lived two hours away from it for five months (not including those months I spent in England) and I am only just getting around to going. I guess I don't have as much wanderlust as I thought I did. That, or maybe Germany is not the place for me.

I'm feeling so thankful for this year. Even if it has been a bitch at times...

I know in Italy I wanted to see it all, and Prague was the same. But. By 'see it all' I don't mean all the famous sites and monuments. For some reason, these things don't hold much appeal. I want to walk the streets, drink the coffee and read the graffiti. I want to point my camera in the direction of anything that looks interesting and capture the mood. I want to sit on benches, eating ice cream  and people watch. I want to hear other people talking in languages I can't even name and try to guess their life stories (or even what they are saying!) Maybe this is wanderlust, and sight-seeing is for tourists. 

I don't know, I don't have the answer to this either, but I do know that when we go to Berlin next week, I won't care for the Reichstag one bit, but that stationery shop owned by the crazy guy with dreadlocks? 

Awesome. 

-Rae

You know you are living abroad when...

One thing I didn't expect when I opted in to do a year abroad was culture shock. I was only going to Germany - it's England but bigger and more efficient, right? Oh poor, naive, innocent little auslander*! Forget what you have been told about beer-swilling, wurst-wolfing mountain men in knee shorts and long socks. That is an image cultivated to attract tourists to beer festivals (and usually only applicable in Bavaria. Note: most Germans hate Bavaria.) The following list is just a hint of what life is actually like here. And it's not that exciting!

1) Public Transport Ettiquette

 There is none. Imagine the shock I had when - polite and British as I am - I witnessed a group of strong, sporty guys take up the easy access area of the tram whilst an old man stood for the entirety of his journey. I was standing too, but hey, I have strong legs that could carry me fine.

Yet don't be fooled into thinking that if you offered your seat to an elderly person that they would be thankful. Or that they would even accept it. Call it pride, call it entitlement, whatever, offering your seat to an oldie is a minefield!

Equally, I distinctly recall having to stand on the tram with my broken foot in plaster. Yes, some lovely young people offered me their seat, but getting to it on a crowded, moving tram was impossible so I said it was fine. However, the seat behind me became free quite quickly - hooray! - and was immediately filled by some guy who glared at me. Dude, I'm on crutches, have you no sympathy?! Oh and don't expect disabled friendly access everywhere. It is not so bad as other countries in Europe, but I had to hop the steps with the aid of a passerby. At least someone was nice...

2) Pointed Staring in the Street

Maybe I have mentioned this before, maybe I haven't (I've lost track of the number of times I've ranted about this) but if you come here, get used to the idea that you will be stared at, judged and dismissed on a daily basis. Coming from a country where making the smallest of eye contact with a stranger is considered a social taboo, this was crushing to experience. I worried constantly about my face - was it dirty? Did I have food in my teeth? And my clothes - do I stand out like a sore thumb? Do I look like a foreigner?

Soon I came to realise that people are just more direct here, and looking at people like you are weighing them up is normal.

The unlikely tale of a little auslander waiting for her tram first thing in the morning...

And there is of course the creepy starers; those guys who think they have some right to you because you are female and in their presence.

I don't know in what circumstances I came to be the target of all weirdos ever, but it seems I'm on a priority list. Whether it is old Americans advising you to get pregnant, and get pregnant fast, to being growled at for daring to share the same path as a cyclist, I can't shake the feeling that there is a conspiracy.

3) Exact Change

Have a bill of €5.36? Want to pay with a €10 euro note because you have nothing else, not a cent? Well, you can, but you will be looked at in a passive-aggressive way as they attendant doles out your awkward change. Sorry, we foreigners just aren't efficient enough. And I hate carrying fifty thousand 1c coins in my purse. They are so tiny and impractical it isn't even funny. I miss sterling, with it's easy to recognise shapes and colours. *Dreamy sigh*

4) Pfand

I don't think there is an exact translation for this, as it is a concept that seems applicable only to Germany. Pfand is a small charge on top of the price of your bottle of beer/club mate/milk and you get that money back in the form of a coupon when you return the bottle to the supermarket. I actually really like this as it is an easy way to recycle, and you get a little off your shopping! I have heard of a joke among Erasmus students that goes along the lines of 'get drunk enough at the weekend and you can afford to eat the rest of the week.' For me, however, it's 'drink enough club-mate and get money off even more caffeinated beverages!'

5) Club-Mate.

Have I mentioned this before? I think I have, and what is more, I think I was disgusted with it. Not so anymore. I've done a complete 180° and now I love it. Which is appropriate, as my housemate informed me that their catchphrase used to be 'you get used to it'. And you really do... but don't get it from the Konsum down the road from where I live. I think someone shakes up the bottles (all of them - every single one) so that it fizzes up your nose.

6) Carbonated Everything

I guess this goes hand-in-hand with Club Mate, but all liquid is fizzy here. Even the 'still' water is carbonated.

Wtf?

7) Paprika Flavoured Snacks

Too bad Cheese and Onion, you don't make the grade.

8) Bio

Organic food! Ecological skin products! Vegan bacon! One thing I did not associate with Germany was just how easy it is to have an alternative lifestyle. It is ridiculously easy to be a vegetarian and it's not such a drastic step to turn vegan after that. (See? I told you to shift that obsession with wurst!) If you have hang ups about animal cruelty or damage to the environment then it is easy to find reasonably priced hygiene and beauty products. I like a brand called 'Weleda' and another (which is much cheaper!) called Florena, which both do great moisturisers (I want to bring back a case full of Weleda products...but I can't afford it!)

9) Straße-Fest

I have an inkling that this is for Eastern Germany only, but I may be wrong! In the times of the DDR people would gather on particular streets at particular times of the year and sell their hand-made goods/unwanted things, play music and eat street food. When I broke my foot I was so distressed to find out that I was going to miss the Westpaket that I went anyway. (What an adventure, and I couldn't have done it without my housemate!) We didn't see much because it was crazy busy (not to mention i-c-y) but fortunately it happens in Summer too, so I went again two days ago. Here are a few highlights. The art exhibition was odd... but maybe I'm not arty enough to understand this:

It's a hunk of plastic. *Shrug* But it was free to attend!

10) FKK

Freikörperkultur. Here is the Wiki page. But really. Ignore what it says and remember this: on a beautiful, hot summer's day by the lake, you will see the ugliest, oldest people baring all they have. It puts you off your Club Mate. Also, as much as I want to post the picture I have, I won't. It's not fair to put all of you off your Club Mate, now is it? So have a subtly Instagramed picture of the scenery instead!

Kulkwitzer See

So there you go, ten things about living here in 'Schland. And on that note, five weeks today and I'll be back in the Shire. I still have that same desperation, but by throwing myself into uni work and seeing my friends whilst I still have the chance is helping me to appreciate what I have here. People keep telling me - and I guess I agree with them - that this experience will be my treasure, something to hold on to and draw strength from in the future. And as much as I really really reallyreallyreallyreally want to be home now, I'm trying not to wish time away as I don't want to waste the remainder of this opportunity. Thirteen year old me would not be impressed - and she has approved up until now.

-Rae

*Techno lingo for being a foreigner

Six weeks.

I have lots of wonderful things to be thankful for. I'm living abroad! This is the dream! I got to go to the Czech Republic and Italy. My German is even a tiny little bit better. But right now, all I want to do is go home, back to England. It is six weeks (and two days, to be exact) before my flight takes off. And I have an absolute mountain to climb before I can check in and check on out of Deutschland.

It's 'just' six weeks. After all this time, why is it the last six weeks that hurt so much? I guess it is because I can see that finish line. It's right there, so close I can hear the engines of the aircraft, feel the hugs of the people I left behind. I'm already there in my head... sadly my body is trapped in normal time and I have to go the slow way.

One step at a time. Tonight I practically completed a presentation that I must deliver on Tuesday. Tomorrow I'll finish it completely and plan my attack on the rest of my academic mountain. (Yes. That was what I meant by 'mountain...It's my own fault, I never learn!) I plan to wake up, attend uni, work, eat and sleep. Maybe I'll come up for air for a little bit, but from now on I can't relax. I can see the end, and I don't want to risk it slipping further from my grasp.

I know I will value this experience. I already do to an extent - I am so fortunate to be here, in all my complaining! Even at my lowest (believe me - it was low) I still thought, in the back of my mind, that Erasmus was worth it. My mouth may have said a million regrets, and my heart may have agreed with all of its being, but in a tiny, oft-ignored part of my brain, a small voice whispered 'no...it's not like that.'

It's not like that...

Would I recommend an Erasmus year to another student? I guess I would. But I would burden them with every possible down-side as well as the good things. I had a complete bitchy rant on here about the lack of non-biased info given to me before I signed up. I am so not going to conform to that. But I just know that it won't be the message people want to hear. You only have to read the discussion on this article and on this facebook page to understand that if you didn't have a good time and want to let people know that it could be the same for them, then it was clearly your own fault. I don't even want to get started on those people, but I'm prepared for them. Plus, I wouldn't say my year abroad was terrible, just... a difficult lesson. With some great times sprinkled in, to make it easier to swallow. (Which is what the author of the article was also trying to say, and got hounded as a crybaby.)

I feel somewhat better for having voiced these thoughts. I want to write about the good things that have happened lately, and post some pictures from Italy, but I needed to disperse this nasty, gloomy rain cloud. Six weeks is nothing, right?

-Rae

Somehow it is all ok!

So, what has it been, a month? I'm losing track of time and this, folks, is a good thing! If I have time to keep track of time then time is either dragging or being wasted. As it is, I have no time to spare a thought for the passing of time and therefore time is not being wasted.

It was gloriously sunny last week. So sunny in fact, I broke out my legs. Everywhere I went, people gasped and fumbled for their sunglasses, some even cried 'oh Lord, my eyes!' But I didn't care, the sun was out and my summer wardrobe needed an outing. (The sun didn't last by the way; it is cold and grey yet again. Scumbag Spring.)

So what is new here? Not too much really; I go to uni, I shop at Netto, I knit. But I am doing other things! I'm going outside, I'm taking in a bit of the city (hell, I'm contributing to the city, but more on this later.) I'm doing my best to absorb as much as I can of this experience, and instead of packing it away in the negative cupboard of my brain, I'm trying to see the positives.

It seems Leipzig is a metropolis of artists. Who knew? Apparently everyone except me it seems, but this is not unusual. A couple of weeks ago, my housemate took me to a ceramics workshop in a place called the Spinnerei. This place is absolutely fucking amazing. Excuse my language, but I don't think I can describe it in any other way. It used to be an old cotton factory, but after it closed it got turned into a hub of creativity. (I haven't even begun to explore it properly (shyness) but tomorrow there is a big event on and I am going.) The workshop was great (and so cheap!) and next week I should have my completed clay beads ready for threading. I could become addicted.

Instagram. Because I can! 

The |Dark Knight after a few years of steroid abuse.

Also, there is a giant wholesale artist shop (read: warehouse) called Boesner. I truly believed that I had died and gone to Heaven. It was like Hobbycraft back home only a million times better because it didn't have the crappy overpriced 'try-it-yourself' kits or the terrible background music. There were normal people in there; well I say 'normal', one lady did have green hair and dungerees, but what I mean by 'normal' is that they were just being themselves. There was no pretension, no posing of any kind. It was exactly what I didn't imagine an art scene to look like.

This was such a revelation to me I nearly started crying in the acrylics aisle. For a few years I had convinced myself that getting further involved with the art scene would be just like the acting scene I had fled from; full of arseholes. Plus, I hadn't had a creative thought since before the start of university, so who was I to even try? I'd get laughed at, and for someone with a delicate sense of self worth this was just not an option. But being in the Spinnerei made me re-think all of this, and I have decided to just go for it. I have been more creative lately with my Erasmus art journal  (and thus have already achieved one of my year-abroad goals,) but who is to say that this is the limit? There is a whole abandoned cotton factory full of inspiration, literally down the road from me, and I have three months left to take advantage. Challenge accepted.

As far as contributing to the city, it is just a silly knitting project I have going on. All around the city there are spray-painted bananas. Not even joking. I noticed these last semester as I walked to my German classes, and wondered each time what the hell they meant. I kept finding them all over the place. It was a mystery that needed solving! Then I got hit by a car and things kind of blew up, but as it got closer and closer to the time to come back, I started thinking about the bananas again. It was also around the same time that I found Knit the City, which got me thinking. Could I? Should I?

Central Leipzig

Near Nordplatz

Spinnerei

Why the hell not! So I found this banana pattern and I am slowly adding bananas to the city of Leipzig. But what if it is some controversial political statement that will result in being arrested?! No fear, a friend told me that there is a phrase in German 'alles is Banana' or something like that, and it means 'it's all good.' The other good thing about knitting the graffiti instead of painting it is that it is totally removable, and doesn't cause damage to public property. So all is banana!

First Banana! Südplatz

Second Banana. Spinnerei. (Oh Em Gee people may actually see it tomorrow...)

And last but not least, I went to Prague with my housemate last weekend! Three hours on the train and we were in the capital of the Czech Republic. How cool is that?! Ironically, it is easier and faster to get to another country than the north of this one (I'm referring to the five hour journey to Hamburg here...) I digress. Prague is great! If you avoid all the main tourist destinations that is. Hate crowds? Don't go to the astronomical clock in the centre of the Old Town. And really really, don't go to the Charles Bridge on a Saturday afternoon. Shudder.

Other than the crazy number of tourists (of which we were too, I'm not denying that!) I couldn't find fault with the place. We went the alternative route of exploring a city, with the intention of taking as many beautiful photographs as possible (we are both photography enthusiasts.) Here a few pictures I took. What I really like is that you can't tell where they were taken just from looking at them. They could have been taken anywhere (:

Waiter

I felt mushy <3

We found a PEACOCK GARDEN!

This woman was just too cool.

Me under a magnolia tree by the river Vltava

And I think that is that! Tonight I am going to a photography exhibition, tomorrow is the Spinnerei and planning the Italy trip, and on Sunday I may visit a friend and go to the monthly Flohmarkt.

Good weekend!

-Rae.

2 Weeks in...

...and it is bloody hectic. Which I would say is a good thing; better than being bored stiff! And it is actually 2 weeks today that I returned, so no mystic bending of the truth to be more exciting (does anyone really do that on a YA blog?)

I've been running around, catching up with friends (friends!) signing up for classes, submitting assessments from last semester and trying to get on top of admin. Which I am still behind on, but you know - admin is soul destroying! When I arrived here I had made a resolution to make the best of my time here (as I totally frittered it away last semester before the solid German auto-mobile came crashing into my life.) So far I think I've done ok on this front - so I haven't gone to an Erasmus party yet (though I totally meant to - that counts, right?) but I did go on highly spontaneous trip to Hamburg last Sunday and should (hopefully) be planning a trip to Italy with a friend to see our other friend. I know right?! Italy!

A London telephone box on the docks of Hamburg. Nope, I couldn't explain it either...

It has been surprisingly hot here in Leipzig this past week; and I mean shorts and t-shirt weather. I'm not used to this bright thing in the sky called 's-u-n' and feel I should join my fellow students in basking in its glory as a form of worship. Is bowing and offering sacrifices considered too much these days?

I'm drawing and reading like mad (and trying trying trying to find a spare moment to knit!) to keep sane. Although the novel I am reading right now is for a course, it's by Margaret Atwood, and this is definitely not work in my opinion. Drawing gives me something to do, and is actually therapeutic. Take this drawing for example:

Looks kinda bloody? That's because there is a zombie apocalypse happening (in the drawing I mean. If it was actually happening, I'd be running around with whatever pointy thing I could find until the inevitable happened. I am not made for surviving zombies.) In a normal (normal?) zombie apocalypse situation, you would just run right? Right? Wrong! If you are the one poor soul being cornered by an LVB ticket inspector and you don't have a ticket then kiss your chances of escape goodbye. And yes, I am just bitter that I got fined for not stamping my ticket (I had a ticket damnit! I HAD A TICKET) but drawing this helped. A little.

As far as picking up my German is going...well it is going, and much quicker than I expected. But if you ambush me in the street with one offer or another I will just smile politely and say 'nein danke' before running away.

Yes, exactly like the penguins from Madagascar. 'Just smile and wave... smile and wave...'

-Rae

Unintended radio silence

Hey there... so...urrr... totally didn't mean to go off radar there. It's been some time since my last post, and nothing much has happened since then, other than my extended stay in England to recover from my broken foot. I had my last physiotherapy session last week, and I am ready to go! Oh walking, so simple and yet a bugger to re-learn...

So. My Erasmus year has been a bit of a flop so far! As I was finally getting my head around the whole thing (read: quitting my culture tantrum) a car comes at me and throws me off balance. Never mind; I wasn't looking in the right direction anyway, and maybe that could be one big metaphor for my state of mind pre-car-collision. Fingers crossed that when I land back in Leipzig on Thursday I'll hit the ground running, (not literally, I haven't run in f-o-r-e-v-e-r and I don't fancy my chances...)

I'm nervous; after living at home for four months, I don't know how suddenly living on my own again will affect me. As you may or may not have gathered, I don't deal very well with change (all part of the Erasmus challenge!) so humph grrrrr *grinandbearit*

'Where is the coffee? Please?'

Hopefully I'll be so busy I won't have to time to process. Last semester I had too much time to think; this semester, with trying to catch up on ECTS credits missing due to my extended absence, I won't have chance to. Hello 8 modules!

There really isn't much to say at this point; I'm full of anticipation and worry, but that isn't new. Oh, I can knit now - that's new. And I'm gearing myself up to kick this year abroad into shape. It's like a ridiculous Lovecraftian-esque thing that I'm trying to de-tangle and tame. Maybe, if I am successful, I can keep it as a pet...

-Rae