The Physics of the Quest

I'm not entirely sure how to begin this.

No. Still not sure. Hmmm.

It's just that now seems the right moment, but where are my words? I've been cramming my head with unfamiliar words since September, and now I am lost for them.

I guess I could say that on Monday this week I was a complete idiot and ended up getting hit by a car. It was not serious, and I have never met anyone so kind as the lady who hit me, but I am now laid up with a fracture in the center of my foot. So is it completely crazy to say that right now:

I feel so damn lucky.

?

Is that crazy? And I don't just mean 'lucky she was not driving fast' and 'lucky I was wearing Doc Martins, my foot would have been shredded...'

Now I'll go off on a tangent (but stay with me, it's relevant!) I've just finished watching 'Eat, Pray, Love' starring Julia Roberts. I saw this film in the cinema with a good friend, and we both felt inspired by it. However, watching it now, I feel a whole new level of awareness and inspiration I wasn't expecting.

The title of the this post is called 'The Physics of the Quest', and without spoiling the end for those who might want to see it, it goes along the lines of:

* Leave all that is familiar and comfortable behind you
*Treat everything as a clue
*Accept that everything that happens to you, and everyone you meet, will teach you something
*Face, and ultimately forgive, some unflattering things about yourself

So. To link the two together...

A couple of days ago I was ready to pack in Erasmus. I mean truly ready to give up and go home. I was this close to asking my coordinators my options. I felt like I had just started to get the hang of how it works here,  to finally feel comfortable and accepting of a situation I wasn't prepared for. Then I got hit by a car. (Which hurts, even if it is not fast!) So, I really felt like the universe was trying to take me down a peg; 'who are you to think you can do this?'

Who was I to argue with the universe? Time to go home!

Fortunately, I can't exactly get very far at the moment. I don't mean just to England (the flight next week will be eventful...) I live up two flights of stairs, three, if you count the entrance steps. And of course we do not have a lift! There is no way I'll be attempting those stairs on my own anytime soon, I'm horrendous on crutches! As a result of my limited mobility, I have a lot of time to do not a lot but think. So this broken foot, while not exactly a gift (gee, can't return this to where it was purchased!) is certainly a blessing in disguise.

It is making me appreciate the people here in my life so much more than I already did. It is making me appreciate the people in my life back in England, for their long distance support and patience. On a more practical level, boy do I appreciate my working limbs! I also feel thankful all over again for the exciting opportunities Erasmus has presented; I'm learning German for Pete's sake! It's frustrating to have to sit here and wait for my foot to heal - I would rather be attacking this year head on, full on, immediately. I have so much to do!

Being hit by a car is a lesson but I'm still not sure what the subject is.

It's all a part of the Quest.

-Rae

A mental clear out!

I know that previous post was highly negative - believe me though, it could have been worse! I'm glad to say that it did the trick, and I feel a million times better for getting it off my chest. Now I can try to work out what I want to gain from this opportunity, seeing as I am here! I really can't justify not achieving something from this year - I would be so angry and disappointed in myself, and I know I would disappoint others along the way.

So, a list of things I want to gain:

* German skills.

Yes. I am struggling. The first few weeks here were terrifying, especially on the language course, which was taught in German (this is not the case in England, so what a bloody shock!) Imagine being taught the grammar of a language you don't understand, IN the language you don't understand... Now imagine me in hysterics (the not so good kind) whilst I try to work out what the plusquamperfekt is...

Thankfully, I have evolved from that shivering ball of nerves, (*cough*) and I am currently on another two German courses - grammar and phonetics. And - with the threat of a test looming next week - I have found a miraculous urge to apply myself to the cause of learning sentence structures...

I may have used this picture before. But lately I've been too busy studying  German to photograph it...

I'm still not doing so great with every day conversation, but it is so so so so so so sososososososososososo easy to speak in English with everyone here. And whilst I would not call myself lazy, I'm certainly not inclined to make my head hurt whilst asking a friend 'when are you free?' (I think it is something like: 'Wann hast du zeit?' And no. I did not use Google Translate for that ;D)

So yes, German skills! Kinda getting there! (Kinda.)

*Rediscover my creative self

Guys, I used to draw. I was never exactly skilled, but it gave me immense satisfaction and happiness to see the results of several hours work on a page. It made me feel good. In the last few years I haven't drawn a thing (thanks Degree!) and I've been feeling very cut off from myself. Crazy huh? And once I didn't make time to draw anymore, I lost the creative buzz to crochet, to go on a photo-shoot or to do anything I once absolutely needed to do. I know this doesn't sound dramatic, but it really is. (I promise.)

So I started an art journal last week. Sure, I've started art journals before, and they were not successful, but this one is different! Why? Because, because, because, because, becauseeeeeee (because of the wonderful things he does? Ok, Wizard of Oz moment has passed...)

First full page - sums up allllll the pre-Erasmus jitters IMHO

*coughs*

Because it's an Erasmus art journal, and it's one part memory recording, one part catharsis and two parts creative-y goodness. (Pretend like you didn't notice the Judy Garland personality switch...) I'll be starting my fourth page either later tonight or tomorrow. Feels good :)

*Meet great people and make good friendships

Like I was told before I came here, it is impossible to not meet people on your Erasmus year. And I have met great people; everyone is open and friendly, and really I am my own worst enemy when it comes to accepting invitations out or doing anything spur-of-the-moment. I hope to work on these stupid insecurities over the year - and I think I am already making progress! When my highly negative inner-monologue starts whispering in it's evil Mephisto voice, I tell it to shut the f*** up. And most of the time this works, so hooray for small victories over your own psyche!

Resting up after the first half of a hike in Sachsen Schweiz

So, do those three things seem like good goals? I think they are (:

Maybe next time I will write about the cool things I've seen and done in between the emotional yo-yo-ing ;)

-Rae

Reality is setting in...

It has been some time since my last post. I've been taking the time to really adjust, to work out how I am feeling, before I rush into a blog post I may regret. Sure, this is a place to record feelings as they occur, but I am not one to project my negative shit onto the internet, so I wanted to approach this topic with a degree of diplomacy and hindsight.

The topic in question? Reality. What this Erasmus experience is really like.

During the application process for the Erasmus scheme you are bombarded with information and advice. The most commonly used phrase however is, 'it will be the best year of your life!'

Really? The best year of my life? Well, I can hardly say no to this opportunity, sign me up!

Well, after over a month of thinking this through I have come to one conclusion; this is certainly not the best year of my life. Well perhaps it is unfair to assume that, as I have only been here two months, but I know how I am feeling, and that is cheated. And lied to. 

'You will love it - there are so many things happening you won't know what to do with yourself!'

Really? Is that why I hide in my cozy home, with not much to do but miss my loved ones back home and feel miserable?

'There are so many wild parties! Erasmus parties are infamous!'

I haven't attended one yet. I'm not sure I want to. To put this in a non-offensive way, Erasmus parties don't appear to be my scene...

'You will never be friendless.'

Oh wait, this was not a lie! I have met many kind people here, and made wonderful friends. Well the organisers weren't completely dishonest!

The propaganda surrounding Erasmus is such that you think you will have just as wonderful a time as those before you.

But.

They do not mention their troubles.

They do not mention their sadness or loneliness.

They do not mention that Erasmus will only be like they say it will if you are a social animal, single, and happy to get wasted at every opportunity.

I am not any of the above. And whilst I pride myself on my commitment to my integrity and to my relationship, I resent that this experience is not flexible enough to accommodate me or people like me. I also feel that I got lured here under false pretenses, and now I must battle through many challenges for something that is - so far - falling short of my expectations.

And I'm gutted.

It seems that I don't meet the personal criteria to have a great time. I'm shy, I'm poorly suited to change, I like quiet evenings, and worst of all I am very prone to melancholy. I was aware of all of these things when I was making my decision, but I was led to believe that despite all this, I would be fine. And yes, I suppose I'm 'fine.'

But I'm not ecstatic.

Despite all of this, I am trying my very hardest. I get up, I go to uni, I meet with friends - I even joined a Pilates class! In my heart I know that this is not what I was expecting, but I also know that life is what you make of it. So here I am, trying to make the best of an unexpected situation (of not thoroughly loving Leipzig or my Erasmus experience to date.)

Sächsische Schweiz - there are wonderful things to be gained.

This here is a real test of endurance. And if I do not appear more bloody employable after the fact, I really don't know what I will do!

TL;DR? I'm here under false pretenses, but trying to make the best of it.

The next posts will be more sunny, I promise.

-Rae

Gemütlichkeit

'Gemütlichkeit' is one of those German words that cannot really be translated into English without losing its essence but can inadequately taken to mean 'coziness'. Ironically, I was introduced to this word at about 3 'o' clock in the morning, in the cold, wet smoking area of a Soul and Techno club. I was exhausted but didn't want to risk the horrors of the Night Bus again (read: creepy men trying to start a conversation outside a deserted train station...) so I was determined to wait for the trams to start running again. 

Cold Autumn Days

(PS: pretty awesome night out, if you don't count the crazy, skin-head rave guys grabbing you as try to leave the room!) 

Anyway, back to Gemütlichkeit. I have finally moved into my permanent home, which is warm, cozy and friendly. Parts of the city feel familiar to me. I have memories of different places now, rather than just feeling frightened about them. German - although still a complete mystery to me - does not sound so alien. 

Norwegian Chocolate and Caramel Tea (:

I don't think I have quite attained Gemütlichkeit yet - I have not been here long enough for that! However, I believe I am well on the way to achieving it. I feel that soon I will look at Leipzig as home, rather than the place I must temporarily reside. To put it another way, this year is looking less and less like a prison sentence, which it did as recently as last week. 

Earlier today! 

So, here is to Gemütlichkeit, and to being close to achieving it! Prost!

-Rae

On slight criminal actions abroad.

Don't worry, I'm not beating old ladies for their bags or smuggling cheese (don't ask). I am, however, aware that crossing the road without the green ampelmännchen is a no-no here. Yet I have done it on a number of occasions now (and each time I experience the pathetic thrill of a law abiding person breaking an insignificant law. My life is sad sometimes.)

Also, public transport is enough to make me wish for wings or rocket powered boots. Tonight, for instance, I had the unworthy desire to go home. Was this the correct stop? Check. The correct direction? Check (easily confused when we drive on the opposite side of the road in England.) Oh look, this is the correct change! Ah. A broken ticket machine. Ah. But there is one on the other side of the Platz, I'll go there. Oh. This is broken too?! 

Scheiße.

Then, by some miracle, two American ladies turn up and fix the machine (must be the American touch) so I started throwing in the coins, eager to get my ticket as the tram would arrive in two minutes. Oh. It doesn't accept 5c pieces?!

Scheiße

Luckily, a kind gentleman gave me 30c in 10c pieces. But the tram had arrived and I couldn't faff with the machine otherwise I would face another 30 minute wait. So I did what any desperate student would do, and hopped on without paying. (I never do this.)

I spent the entire journey on the edge of my seat. Every time there was movement in my peripheral vision, I jumped, thinking it was the ticket inspector. My fingers went numb and my stomach churned. (Of course, this is hyperbolic, but - to my shame - not by much...) This journey had never taken so. damn. long. I felt like everyone was staring at me in disgust: 'look at that girl, using the tram without paying! How disgraceful.' When we reached my stop I practically threw myself off and kissed the ground, a la the Pope. (Of course, I didn't kiss the ground. But you get the picture.) 

Now I'm sat in my lovely home, trembling slightly from all the excitement. I got away with a free tram journey?! Goodness. (I am the kind of person who always gets caught out!) Of course, the trembling could be to do with being cold, but I haven't worked out the heating yet...

Oh, my alcohol milkshake has gone to my head! Bed time! 

Lost in Transit

The word 'transition' has been floating around my head this last fortnight. 

Transition  Transition  Transition

It's kinda sneaky sounding, don't you agree? The sharp 't', the sibilance of the middle 's' and sudden stop of the 'n'. Tran-sit-ion. I may be pulling a crappy English student trick here (stuck for analysis? Oh look - sibilance!) but I mean more to it than mere filler. 

I've been here a fortnight exactly. Is that all? It feels like I have been here for ever already; I'm getting pangs of homesickness, the route to Uni is now logged into my mental sat-nav and there is always a familiar face in this cafe or that street. How has this only been two weeks?

The seasons are changing too... Wilkommen Herbst!

I'll be honest, I feel pretty lost! I'm in the middle of this transition, feeling anxious about how the next few days, weeks, months will go. I find myself wishing with all my heart that I was back in England, then suddenly, plans are made and I'm so very thankful that I am here.

I'm exhausted ;)

Tomorrow I move (again) to my final destination; the nicest WG in all of Leipzig! (trust me, I have been so incredibly lucky!) Sure, it's a massive shake up, and my route to uni will change drastically, but in a few days it will be routine again. How worrying is that?!

-Rae

Dear Future Me...

I am hoping that when you read this, you will be a German speaking pro. I hope you will be speaking like a native. I hope hope hope you will at least know how to conjugate...

I also hope that you stay humble. Please remember how difficult it was! Remember your embarrassment, your frustration, your joy when you got something right (by accident, of course!) Remember; you felt stupid and you didn't like it, so you ate humble pie and knuckled under.

A wise person said that our intelligence is an illusion, and that it is good to have that illusion shattered. You completely agreed, and promised yourself that you would never be so big headed again.

So, future me, please remember these early days of struggling with prepositions and the definite article. Remember that you just didn't have a clue, and never forget that our intelligence can only be improved upon (:

-Rae 

Ein Medium Sieg Starbucks *

*A medium victory Starbucks

It is common knowledge among my friends that when I achieve something, or submit an essay etc. I will treat myself to Starbucks. So today, after failing horribly at my German aptitude test (no aptitude), I bought myself Victory Starbucks (in German, so screw you aptitude test!)

Seems odd? Well the logic went like this: 

Nearly survived a week in Leipzig --> only cried a little bit --> people are nice; I could make friends --> it's hot but I want coffee --> oh, there is a Starbucks --> let's get Iced Coffee and test my German to boot!

See? Not so illogical after all!

-Rae

G-day

So, I am currently sat in my shared hostel room, feeling ever so slightly confused and very anxious. However, so much has happened (or it feels like so much has happened) that I think this little adventure of mine will turn out ok. I hope.

I'm still heavily concerned about the housing thing. I have a room to look at, but it's only one - I feel like I shouldn't be pinning all my hopes on it, but I'm so tired of house hunting, especially when no one replies. But that is for another post.

This is the first time I have had access to the internet on my laptop - I will elaborate later in what I hope is a funny but 'give-me-sympathy' kind of way (to try to disguise the fact that no internet really is a problem only for the privileged, and who wants to be tied to the same brush as the privileged?!)

On the 13th of September I woke up after three hours of fitful sleep in my airport hotel. I wanted to cry because I didn't want to go. In fact, I did cry. A lot. And I'm sure the tears aren't over, but adventure isn't easy. 

'Brave face' Make up was pointless, it was all down my face by the end of the day.

I've only flown to one destination and back, and that wasn't on my own. I hate flying. It isn't natural, and if God meant for us to fly he would have given us wings! (It could be argued he gave us the brain to work it out for ourselves, but I digress...) After the stress of 'where do I go?! What do I do next? Why do I have to take my boots of?' I found myself in the departure lounge with hours to go before boarding. I got a Costa, called my lovely boyfriend (Scott), called my mum, bought new books (don't judge - buy one get one half price!) Then, all of a sudden it was boarding time and I was in full panic mode. I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks, and I think this was the worst time to have had one, ever. It only got worse as I walked through the weird tunnel thing to get to the aircraft; enclosed spaces are not your best friend when you can't breathe. 

This view taunted me all flight. It said 'I'm an airplane wing. I'm the only thing keeping you up. Let's hope I don't fall off!'

I got the window seat, right on the wings. Hello increased terror! And the couple who sat next to me were 'Oh it's so lovely, darling' to each other and it made me desperate to get off the plane and run to Scott. 

Anyway, to spare you the details; once I arrived at Frankfurt I forgot I needed to go through passport control and security again; I then ran across Frankfurt airport (it's huge, and I had half an hour...) only to be told that they had lost the key to the door for the plane. (How do you lose such an important thing?!) 

The cycle of panic and terror repeated itself on the second plane (window seat again, but I swapped with the person next to me so she could talk to her man on the other side of the aisle - because I'm nice.) Once we landed at Leipzig, I felt resigned; I was here now, better stop crying and get to the hotel. I could cry there later.

Oh, buying a train ticket with neither me not the ticket lady speaking the other's language was interesting. As was buying a sandwich. Lots of pointing, smiling ruefully and feeling silly was involved. However, mission success on both fronts! 

(I don't know what it is with Germany and everything being so damn big, but the train station here is akin to London's St Pancras. Only not so tight on the ticket inspection (because people are trusted here- nice huh?)) 

After a taxi journey fraught with awkward pauses, bad German and bad English I arrived at the Space Hotel and Hostel. It wasn't my first choice, but my first choice (the place I am in now) was booked up until yesterday because fucking Coldplay were here giving a concert. Those nobs are the reason for my suffering and  I will hate them forever.) 

My little third-floor room at the Space Hotel. Clean, but would not stay again. Ever.

Neither was the Hotel promising to look at, and when I got inside, I knew this was going to be a little rough. Don't get me wrong, it was clean and warm (which is really all that matters) but the lady who ran it was not overly friendly (a German thing? I don't think so, she was just grumpy.) I was on the third floor and as there was no lift I had to drag my 23kg case up six flights of rickety wooden stairs. And to top it off, the Internet connection was non existent in my room (despite full signal) and the only place I could get it was if I hovered in the back hall or garden, looking a little creepy to boot. 

But never mind the lengths I will go to for Internet connection...

That night I lived off the half eaten sandwich I had purchased earlier, and some chocolate. I sat in the garden (which was gorgeous) and chatted to Scott and my mum. Then I had the coldest shower of my life. Brr. 

This garden was the only silver lining to the place. Really comforting.

In the morning, I decided I needed to find where the admin buildings of the Uni were, and where my next hostel was. That meant...taking the Tram. *pause for dramatic music*

So, the tram system and I, we don't get on. After working out how to buy a ticket from the machine (it had a glorious English option) I hopped on the right line, only to realise I was going in the wrong direction. I blame the European law of driving on the right... I ended up in the outskirts of Leipzig, all trees and grass. Fortunately, the driver let me stay on, as it was going to be making the return journey very soon. When I eventually made it to the city center, I didn't want to be there!

The end of the line. 

It's quite nice in the center, very modern, but with old buildings everywhere. I went to the Nikolai Kirche, the mist beautiful church I have seen yet, and worked out the main routes around town. After getting horribly lost (again) I eventually found the Uni; no wonder I had missed it, it was built into the same unit as the Starbucks and the Body Shop! Bloody city campuses...

Nikolai Kirche

To cut this long (and tedious?) story short, I got lost a lot, my hand bag broke and had to buy a new one, got on the right tram, but missed my stop, got off three stops later, walked three stops, got on another tram and ended up in the same place I had that morning. When I finally arrived at my stop, I experienced the horrors of Kauffland (my evening meal that night consisted of pumpernickel bread, cheese and a yogurt.) I spent the evening in the hall, in the dark (because apparently lighting is too much of a luxury) Face Timing Scott and mum. See a pattern emerging?

Yesterday I finally got to check out. I was very eager to leave, but not so eager for the back breaking walk that stood between me and my new destination. One word for you: cobbles. They like their cobbles here. And they like their lumpy slab paving. Concrete? Smooth, dreamy concrete? No chance! Dragging my case across Leipzig, with my backpack, across the most uneven surfaces I have ever encountered has left me aching all over.

My current location - I'm on the top bunk, as I would naturally bump my head if on the bottom bunk...

But it was worth it. This place is nice, it's clean, it's friendly (it has free wifi!) and I'm likely to meet more people here in my shared room than holed up in my little third floor single room. Already I'm talking to a couple of people, which is nice, as I have spent most of my time here in silence - curse my terrible German! And tomorrow, I have to register as a student and for my German classes, so hopefully from then it will get better. 

I apologise for the length of this post, but I wanted to write everything down as I remembered it. I'm keeping odd bits of journal here there and everywhere (whatever notebook I have on hand) so that will be fun to read over, but this is the 'official' word on the matter, if you will. 

View of the Tröndlinring from my room. The square building behind the spire is the Hauptbhanhof 

Today I plan to go to the Botanical Gardens - it's scorching here in Eastern Germany, and these gardens are the oldest in Europe. Can't wait! 

-Rae

It's crunch time

*Disclaimer: this post is fueled by panic, sleep deprivation, a heavy heart and a large glass of red wine

Seriously. In about 48 hours I'll be in Leipzig. Woah. How do I feel? Ha ha. Ask me one on sport...

I've had one painful goodbye, one sad one, others left unsaid, and a couple more to come (my mum - waaaaaaaah!) I'm really, truly, honestly terrible at goodbyes. I get all awkward. I feel it should be profound, and caring and lovely. And all that comes out of me is: 'I'll miss you. Bye.'

'Bye', like I'll see you again in a few weeks or so. Sigh.

If I could give myself advice (and follow it) it would go like this:

1) Mostly everything is done. Relax.

2) The homelessness issue is practically sorted. Relax.

3) Millions of people fly every year, very few of them die in fiery infernos. Relax

4) You will see your loved ones again, it's not long until you are back (November). Relax.

5) You are not over your weight limit. Relax.

6) So what if your German is worse than a three year old's? You have lessons to look forward to! Relax.

7) Staying in a six dorm hostel room will not be like those horror films people like to use as an illustration of what to expect. I'm sure there will be lovely people not wielding the intent to murder me. Relax.

8) Public transport is convenient and not out to get you. Relax.

9) I know you will miss your teddy, but you can pick him up in November. Relax.

10) You got this, so please, for the love of all things holy, Re - to the - lax!

...Annnnnnnnd I'm just going to down the last of this wine...

I'm too highly strung for this shit. What am I doing to myself? 

-Rae

On 'bravery'

When I tell someone about my year abroad I get one of two reactions. Confusion, as discussed in the post before, and: 'you are studying abroad? That is so brave!'

Is it? Is it 'brave'? My usual reaction is to smile and deny all associations with the word. I declare my terror, almost defiantly. But today, after being called brave again for dealing with the homelessness issue (now resolved for the first three weeks of my stay...) I didn't deny it. It suddenly hit me; yes! Yes, I bloody am brave! 

All the great heroes of films and novels profess that bravery is not being unafraid, but being afraid and still facing up to your fears. Harry Potter comes to mind, as do all the lessons I ever took away from Narnia, Lord of the Rings and - of course - Bloomability. All children's literature (let's face it, it's the best kind) teaches us to stand up to the shadows under the bed, to face the bogey man and shout 'BOO!' The subtler kind of novel, such as Neil Gaiman's 'Coraline', teaches us that we must take responsibility for our actions, and that fear - although paralyzing - must not stop us from attaining what we want (in little Coraline's case, she faced the Other Mother - the most sinister figure e-v-e-r - to save her parents.)

In more recent news, the opening ceremony for the Paralympics was held yesterday; if I were to settle upon anyone as the embodiment of bravery, I would say it would be the Paralympians. I teared up as I watched a man with no legs dance on his hands. How does a person do that? Not just dance on their hands, but to decide 'I have no legs, I will still dance...'? That is brave.

And in news much closer to home, my friend G of G(OT) THE TRAVEL BUG lived in Uganda for several months providing OT expertise for disabled orphans. Now she is running a sponsored half marathon to help raise medical funds for Ekisa. Facing Africa? Brave. Facing the problems of Africa? Unthinkable. Facing half a marathon? Urgh...

The brave kids of Ekisa, Uganda. Aren't they cute?!

Bravery. Every day, someone is facing up to something they don't want to face. Going in to a shitty job so you can keep the roof over your head? You are brave. Having Sunday dinner at the Mother-in Law's? Well, you are downright valiant! What I am trying to say, amidst all this rambling (it is  past midnight in fairness... ) is that bravery is not that rare. The human condition is by default, 'brave'. So next time someone says: 'You are studying abroad? That is so brave...' I'll accept the compliment.

No point in denying the human condition.

-Rae

Picture Credit: G's Facebook group for Ekisa medical funds - you should totally check out her blog too! 

'Your life choice is ironic'

Technically, no one has said those exact words to me, but I can tell they are thinking it. You can see it in people's faces -'You are going to Germany? To study English? What?' It's funny really; out of all the things I thought about when making this decision, what I was actually going to study whilst I was over there didn't cross my mind. 

And now that I am actually thinking about it, I still don't think it's odd. It will be kinda awesome to see how my native literature will be discussed in a different culture. Things we take for granted here may be more heavily scrutinized. What I am excited for (academically) is the chance to broaden my thinking and to embrace new ideas. I'm also excited for a different way of doing things; after years and years in the British educational system, it will be a breath of fresh air indeed to experience German Higher Education. 

For example, on the Erstsemester Universität Leipzig 2012 Facebook page, it's really interesting (read: confusing) to read about people's application process. Aside from the fact that it is in another language, it really is another language - a's, b's and c's? Forget it, there is some heavy number/point system going on that makes me feel very grateful for the old A-levels... But at the same time, I can't wait to find out what it all means.

Also, another reason for putting myself through this is for the future benefits. By this, I mean e-m-p-l-o-y-a-b-i-l-i-t-y. An Erasmus year abroad translates into communication skills, adaptability, independence and initiative, as well as problem solving and people skills. Sure, I get all these things from my Bachelor's degree, but adding a bit of shine to it with practical application might be what get's me a job. Hopefully.

Ah! I'm going dizzy. Must be all the nerdy excitement going on...

-Rae

More on being potentially homeless...

Call me obsessive, but this issue is seriously playing on my mind. I did as I told myself, and emailed some people about their spare rooms, and initially it was promising; I got replies the very next day! But after I followed those up with answers to their own inquiries, nothing. 'Null' if you will...

I'm frightened. What a thing to publish on the Internet, but this is meant to be a truthful account, so I would be a big fat liar if I said I was unconcerned. I'm one of the most anxiety-ridden people I know, and this whole escapade (whilst dream-fulfilling and exciting) has reduced me to a wreck. Well, it has on a fair few occasions at least. The lack of future home is keeping me awake at night. The sudden drop in interest has me developing a small-ish complex; no one will want to live with me!

Another stress is booking my hostel. Oh man, so much money! Three weeks is gonna cost me, but I need that language course! That, and most new leases don't start til the beginning of October. If only there was one free room in all of Leipzig. They are all booked! Aahhhhhhhhh!

I feel as dizzy as when I went up a mountain in a Tardis

Oh boy, so full of negativity today. To attempt to remedy this, imagine a field full of cars. Imagine a cold, typically rubbish Bank Holiday August. Imagine a bedraggled me, flogging clothes and bags and by-gone teenage bric-a-brac. I earned a little bit of cash today, and hopefully I can change it into euros or something. Every little helps! (Why is this positive? I don't really know, but it's what I did with my cousin and aunt today, and I'm still recovering!) 

-Rae

Ich lerne Deutsch...

I've been 'learning' German since October 2011. I say 'learning',  in italics, as this implies the opposite, that I in fact haven't been learning German. But enough about my witty formatting.

The lessons were hosted by my uni, and were pretty good for the bargainous price I paid. Sadly, due to a number of reasons, I didn't apply myself as much as I perhaps should have. (No hidden meaning in that italic formatting. Just so you know.) In fact, I didn't even attend all of them (and boy am I regretting those decisions right now!)

German is meant to be easy to grasp, but puh-lease, I beg to differ! Maybe it is just me? Maybe I have the opposite to a natural talent for languages, whatever that may be. No matter how I dress it up, I just can't seem to grasp German, which could be a bit of an issue...

Or hilf mir! (or Hilfe!) In Deutsch

For example, I constantly mix up the words for four (vier) and five (fünf); obviously because fünf sounds closer to four than five, it must mean four. Obviously.

Another, less idiotic, example is my confusion over how to ask where somebody is from, and where somebody lives. The confusion is not in the formal and informal, but in the actual question words:

Woher kommen Sie? Is 'where do you come from?' Wo wohnen Sie? Is Where do you live? Seems simple enough until I'm practicing dialogues (with myself) and can't seem to separate the two! And quite frankly, the consequences of mixing these two babies could be awkward; imagine intending to ask where someone lives, so you can visit them, only to be informed that they live in Sweden. Obviously I would realise my mistake, but honestly, can you imagine?!

So it's a relief to know that on my first Monday (Montag) in Germany, I will be packing off to an intensive language course. Whoo! I don't hold out much hope for leaving my year abroad fluent, but I'm hoping that with some application and complete immersion I'll be able to get by. And when I return to my home university, I'll definitely be signing up for more lessons, just to keep it fresh.

PS: I totally cheated with the German in this post. Google Translate will become my new best friend...

-Rae

♫ Time goes by so slowly...♪

Well, Gwen Stefani, you got it so hideously wrong. Time does not go by 'so slowly'. No. In fact, time is steam rolling by, and I am desperately trying to hold it back. Why is it going so fast? In 20 days time I'll be sat in a hostel room (which I still haven't booked) wondering what hit me. How is it only 20 days away?! 

I'm panicking. Sure, I am excited, I'm 'living the dream'! But right now I have a tension headache the size of Mars and a heart that won't quite stop palpitating. Oh and my hands and feet are tingling. Yuck.

Of course, if time is rushing by so quickly now, I dread to think how it will behave when I get settled in. It will probably go by faster, and before I know it, my Erasmus year will be over and I will be facing the horrors of my final year. And the big G. (That's graduation...) Maybe I am getting ahead of myself, but this is what I do; p-a-n-i-c. I'm so very good at it!

Never mind, a hot cup of tea should sort me out. A hot cup of tea laced with whiskey, that is...

-Rae

Practicality matters. (Or practical matters. Or it practically matters.)

As it currently stands, when I touch down in Leipzig in September, I will be homeless. Lovely. 

Of course I will be stopping in a hostel, just until I sort a place out to live. How easy does that sound? 'Until I sort a place out to live.' Ha. The prospect of searching online, reaching out to established students who are looking for housemates and organising house viewings is not one I relish. In fact, I'm bloody terrified.

For those of you who aren't aware, the German academic cycle is different to ours; from what I've been told, and from what I have gathered, the length of your degree varies according to the subject of your degree, and that someone could live in a WG (Wohngemeinschaft, or 'shared flat') for three semesters or one. As an Erasmus student I will be needing a place for the full academic year. 

There seems to be plenty of rooms on offer (from what I can see online at least) but still, I feel daunted at finding my new home under such fraught conditions. What if I have a terrible lapse in judgement and end up in a place I don't feel comfortable in, or, because I lack local knowledge, what if I end up in the Red Light district or local drug hotspot?! Even worse, what if I can't find a room at all, and have nowhere to go? Oh the agony! 

Still, every year thousands of Erasmus students all over Europe manage to find a place to live. This is a comfort. I'm sensible and organised enough, which means I should be o.k. Speaking of organised, I had better start emailing prospective flatmates... I don't want to land and not have any viewings booked.

(House prices in Leipzig are a pleasant surprise! It looks like I could pay less rent than the last academic year and get a nicer place to live in. Bonus!)

PS: The best place to look for a WG in Germany is this site. It's in German, but if you open it in Google Chrome it should be automatically translated into English.

-Rae

Dear younger, more adventorous me...

I just wanted to tell you that in 8 years time you will be about to live your dream. You will be studying abroad, and - what is even better - it will hardly cost you anything! You see, there is a cool European program called Erasmus that has a fund set aside for dreamers like you, so that you can go on adventures and learn a new language. And hopefully make some new friends. Hopefully. I know you aren't the most popular of kids, but this will be your chance to change that! 

I just wanted you to know that even though life is a little sucky in that awful place they call a school it will get much better. There will be people you absolutely adore, and they will like you back! These people are supportive and kind, and all for you and your mad dreams. There are also great people who you haven't met yet; this world is big, much bigger than the four corners of the school yard, so lucky you will have a shot at seeing some of it! 

And finally, I just wanted to let you know that all the rubbish that is occurring at the time of you reading this - yes, a-l-l of it! - will fade away into nothing. Those worries that seem so huge right now will be things to giggle about. (The spots won't go away, but you stop caring!) So keep on struggling little me, because everything you have done, and everything you will do, will bring you to this evening a couple of weeks from departure, and you will feel conflicted, because life isn't as easy as it is in that novel. But you will feel blessed because you know that you have stayed true to yourself, and that you will achieve something. That you have already achieved something. You will know that you are about to live your dreams, and not many people can say that.

Lots of love,

Older me.

xx 

What is Erasmus?

Erasmus is a European wide scheme that enables students and teachers to travel and study or work in a different institute in Europe. 

Erasmus was also a philosopher of some kind, but as I am a terrible student I haven't researched into what he did or why the scheme was named after him. But never mind that.

Erasmus is the reason I can live my teen-hood dream of studying abroad. 

From September I'll be leaving everything and everyone behind to undergo the biggest adventure of my life so far. I felt that first year of university was h-u-g-e, but this is an entirely different level! 

So. I'm off to Leipzig, East Germany to study English (a concept a lot of people find hilarious, but I just can't see the funny side!) 

Scary? Exciting? A Bloomability? All of the above. With added... psssh. (That is what my brain has turned into. Psssh.)

Hopefully this blog will be the place where I record some of the antics and shenanigans that occur over the next nine months. Ha. I've started a blog before, and that didn't go so well. But never mind - this is my alternative to writing a diary. As much as I fancy the idea of stormy evenings (why stormy?) sat at a desk dipping my quill into deep indigo ink, scrawling the days events down in my sloppy script, I know that I am far too lazy for that. Hell, I'm nearly too lazy to blog, but never mind that...

So if you read this and enjoy it, then I am glad! If you read this and feel inspired to go on your own adventure, I would be thrilled! I'll try to be funny (ish), but no guarantees!

- Rae